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  • Writer's pictureChristopher Fagan

Madame Web Review | SHELL SHOCKED IN 4K!



This is the worst Sony Marvel movie ever made. But what were the things that you, that you, noticed? Well, just with her, the whole traveling to Peru, yeah, like, I mean, she doesn't speak the language, she's wanted, the, yeah, when she was, when she, when she rescued the girl, and they were accusing her of being the kidnapper, and all of a sudden she was able to get on a plane and go to Peru with no issues. And as you said, this is a few years after 9/11, so security would have been way tight, there's no way she'd have gotten on that plane. She travels with a 30-year-old map and some scribbled books just instantly knew how to do it. Yes. And magically found in a jungle. I'm gonna assume she used her future powers to figure that out. That was bad.


I said that the, I said that this movie did not need. I learned a little bit after watching the movie that, the character that Sydney Sweeney played Spider-Woman in one version of the comic books, and it becomes the next Madame web. She inherits Madame Webb's powers. That should have been the whole movie. This should have been when I, when we first heard about this movie coming out, people felt like it was going to be like an homage to, like Terminator, as a person goes back in time to try to stop the person that's being killed, you know, to save the future, kind of a thing. That should have been the plot. It should have just been one girl. It is three different girls made no sense. What was that thing that you brought up about the, one girl that lived in the apartment, with Dakota Fanning? Well, she was, she was not Hispanic, was she? And her father was deported yet she's been living in that house for like 6 months and the lights are still on, like, I mean, we saw that she, that the, the landlord was demanding rent, but there's more than rent, you've got lights, gas, and everything, like, have. And she seemed like I, I was like, I'm sorry to say, I don't know. I feel like she might have been doing some sketchy stuff to keep them, but I don't want to go there, anyway, to keep the bills paid.


Madam Web's driving around in a taxi, like she just now owns it, like it's mine now, after the first attack. Yeah, she steals a cab and nobody's looking for this cab again, ripped, and she rips off the license plates, which again, still, no, now, I'm looking for a cab that has no, no license plates. I'm, I'm wanted, I've been described a cab, and it doesn't strike anybody as odd that I'm there's a cab running around with nobody knows. Just the cab driver just yelled, and that was it, oh, I'm angry, that's, ah, you can have it. That was it. This new Uber thing, this Uber thing might be popular, maybe I'll just quit joining that like it was, it was ridiculous. I know you were bothered by the villain and what his purpose was. It really, we just stole a spider because I wanted to be rich was that, cause we didn't get any other purpose than him, and Dakota Finney's mother who came off like a John.


Dakota Johnson's mother who came off like a bee from the beginning of the movie turned out to be pure. She was trying to heal her, her sick daughter. And so, yeah, but that dude had a gun, he had a gun like, give up the damn spider. You found the spider when nobody else could, I'm pretty sure you could have found another one. Like give up the damn gun, I mean, give up the damn spider, as it made, it made, and we never learned what his real motivations were. Was he the one who gave the spider to OS Corp and sold it? And that's where I had a lot of theories. Ironically, even though I said that the three girls were not necessary, the black girl, I'm sorry, I forgot. I didn't look up their names. She was my favorite. She, I thought she was going to be the worst character. I thought that she was going to be like a trophy and be like, that is whack. I thought they were going to do some C, some crap like that because it was based in 20, like, like 20 years ago. But no, she was one of my favorites. Even though they were, dumb.


The girls bring attention to themselves, the diner, the diner she goes back to the diner, yeah, there's nobody there. We just have a yellow tape and that's it. And this is a few hours later after bringing attention to themselves being s****** by a Murderer. Let's dance on a table. And all this murder and this chaos happened at the diner, and then a couple of hours later they go back to the diner, and there's just some caution tape. No, nothing, no cops are still lingering around trying to figure anything out. Investigate just caution tape. There's only been a couple of hours. Like there should have been a cop there. I'm so s*****. What, what else did I say? Ezekiel, I felt like his I don't know if his voice was bad. His sound was bad, but the dub of his voice did not match that. This is supposed to be 2003. Yeah, but his hinch woman had the most advanced, technology. I get it, he said he's Rich, a mass of computer screens that are better looking than most of the stuff. She had a flat screen that was better than your setup. It was crazy. And this was 2003 when those monitors should have, it felt like she had touch screens, that technology was not P. I understand rich people get things first, but still this was not the 2003 era. Yeah, nobody, nobody had that that stuff that that Ezekiel's, guy in the chair, had it was it was just bad I was that's nitpicking kind of things.


I thought that this was also going, since it was tying into Spider-Man, it was going to tie into, reason. The reason why J. Jonah Jameson hat hates masked spider people because I, I mean if you know the comic book J. Jonah Jameson, you know I think his wife was murdered by a person wearing a mask. And that's why he had Spider-Man. But I was like, this could be a perfect opportunity because the black girl said that she has, an uncle Jonah or something like that or a relative named John. I was like, okay, maybe this is a tie-in to J. Jonah Jameson. And that's why he hates masked people because there was a spider-looking guy murdering people and stuff in the early 2000s. Nope, never. I was, I, I, I built a. I built a good story plot in my head, but that didn't happen. Any, anything else the end, Madam Webb now has these girls living with them, but we never get any sort of, that all of their families just said F them kids.


Oh yeah, that's what we talked about how the families of these girls did not care. I mean, I understand them, they tried to set it up and an exposition, saying Sydney Sweeney's character, oh my, my dad, I live with my dad, but when she, he's remarried they don't care and stuff. They cared enough. You were there at the hospital when your stepmom was hurt and stuff. I don't care. She and she seemed like a nice, you know, don't try to get in trouble type of a girl. You wouldn't have been missed at all after a murder situation happened and no one would be looking for the Hispanic girl because she said her father was. That's the only thing that made sense. The other girl says her parents are super rich and they live out. They're overseas, don't. And she just says I don't think they'll notice. But you don't think at least call and ask the supposed nanny who's watching her house. They would at least hire somebody if they don't give it Dam. They would at least hire somebody because those rich people like that don't want to get in trouble. They don't want to be looked at they don't want to be found out to be neglectful parents because it'll be embarrassing to the other. To their community so, they would have at least hired somebody to keep a damn eye on her and none of it made sense. That's why I said it was too much it just should have been one girl and the com of Fannings, the dialogue was so wooden and it was so nothing made sense every little opportunity I was thinking oh there's Mike EPS maybe there would be a is he supposed to be uh miles Morales's dad nah nothing that could have made this redeemable was H I was I was trying to while watching this movie, I was trying to build a movie in my own in my head and I was purposely disappointing myself.


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